Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Ninja Warrior

This is the greatest show on television right now. It's a Japanese game show that can be seen on G4, a cable channel in the 100's. If you don't have those channels, you're kind of screwed. If you do, start watching it. This show is on all the time. This Saturday I watched about 5 hours, on and off. I was doing work around the house much of the time, lest you think I'm lazy. Below are some clips. Enjoy!



I give Ninja Warrior six faceplants in knee-deep water!

Friday, June 20, 2008


So, for reasons seemingly beyond my control, I've been demoted. My boss tried to tell me it isn't a demotion, but I'm not stupid. Basically, I don't get along with his second in command. We've had a couple of unpleasant conversations in recent months. The thing is, I'm not the only person who she doesn't get along with. In fact, nobody in the building likes working with her. The problem is, the job I'll be doing for the next two weeks (before I'm demoted), involves direct contact with her all day long. The person taking over my job is great. I think she's excellent at her job, and is a good person. She's also meek enough to let the boss lady push her around. I believe this has a lot to do with the decision to demote me.

- I'll make the same money, with less stress
- I'll get off work earlier
- Less direct contact with the woman I don't like
- Less pressure to perform

- I've never had this happen before, and I feel shitty about it
- Everyone I work with will know I'm demoted
- It's hard to explain on a resume
- It's a sign I don't really have a future here

I'm now evaluating my options for the future. School? Maybe. Another job? Probably.

I give this situation 0 stars.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

My Nerts Hurts

Monday night was one of the more frustrating athletic experiences I've had as of late. We lost 14-2 in slow-pitch softball to the Oregonian. 2 fucking runs in slow-pitch softball. Yikes. There are lots of excuses, which I'll list, but ultimately, we just stunk it up.

1. The sun was setting, and was in our eyes for the first two innings at bat. The sun set in between the top and bottom of the 2nd, so the other team only had to deal with it for one inning.

2. The umpire was terrible. She missed an out at second base that we recorded, and at one point lost track of a runner for the other team, allowing her to score after she (the ump) had already called timeout. She also had a terrible and inconsistent strike zone.

3. We made like, five dozen errors. I actually fielded my position well, I think. It was the first time all year I didn't make an error at shortstop.

4. We have a contagiously bad attitude. When we start messing up, we don't bounce back.

5. A lot of people on the team have never really played.


When the sun was still shining, anyone looking from the direction of homeplate into the outfield was blinded by the sun. One of their players got a basehit into centerfield. As the shortstop, it's my job to take the cut-off throw. In mid-air, the ball and the sun merged into a red-hot blindspot. I started saying "fuck, fuck, fuck" as I backed away, with my glove up to protect my face. Fortunately, I didn't need to use the glove to protect my ruggedly handsome looks; the ball hit my crotch instead. I don't think I've said the word "fuck" in one five minute period as much as I did immediately before and after I was rendered incapable of fathering children.

I give playing shitty softball game two red, swollen testicles.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Tracy Morgan and Kool Keith are the Same Guy

Watch a clip of comedian Tracy Morgan, and then watch a Kool Keith video, and tell me that they are not the same person.

Tracy Morgan clip from 30 Rock:

Kool Keith video "Livin' Astro":

They look kind of similar, but if you close your eyes, you can really hear that they sound the same. They're both a little nuts, and speak in non sequiturs.

I give them both ten crazy pills.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Pledge of Allegiance Controversy

Okay, this is a serious one. We have a story in Portland right now that's getting a lot of attention, and it really pisses me off. Here's the gist of it:

An elementary school principal elected to have students recite the Preamble to the Constitution at a 5th grade promotion ceremony, instead of the Pledge of Allegiance. She said that she didn't want to offend Muslims, because of the "under God" clause. Holy shit, did the conservatives go crazy. My news station has been inundated with emails from right-wingers. I'll post a couple typical responses below.

Why should Americans have to change for anyone who is a 'guest' in this country? Many brave men and women died for our freedom, which is being taken away by foreigners coming here to change our way of life. If they want to change something, let them go back to their own country and change the way it is, leave America alone. This is our country, not yours. If i would go to their country and try to pull stuff like this to ban everything i didn't agree with, they would behead me before i even got the request out of my mouth. I say all foreigners need to go back to their own country, if they weren't born here.

The product of a musshy brain, shes a bit water logged and listing far to the left, emotion is not the result of a sound thinking mind...it's a weak heart she portrays, not the land of the brave, she lives in.

The principal is a worthless cunt who deserves punishment.

Sigh. This is the kind of intellectually challenging response we're getting from viewers. Beyond my own second thoughts for working in an industry that would even report this story, I am saddened by how ignorant and hateful people are. This controversy seems to legitimize for some people their own hatred and xenophobia. There are so many things wrong with this.

1. Why direct your anger at Muslims? They had absolutely no say in this decision. One woman, a principal, made the choice.

2. A lot of people are also talking about how Muslims worship one God, and so do Christians, so what's the big deal? The big deal is that they don't exactly worship the same God. Catholics especially. I doubt that Muslims are onboard with the Holy Trinity. Moreover, what about athiests, Hindus, and anyone else who doesn't worship a single God? The principal obviously handled the situation clumsily, by singling out Muslims, but plenty of people don't believe in one deity.

3. I would love to dispel the myth that the United States is a Christian nation. Don't get me wrong, I realize that the overwhelming majority of Americans identify themselves as Christians, but the fact of the matter is, we are a secular nation. Our founding fathers set it up that way on purpose. Thomas Jefferson and others weren't even Christians, they were Deists, believing in one supernatural power. But NOT the Christian concept of God and Jesus and all the rest. The references to God on our money and the Pledge of Allegience itself showed up during the 50's, in the middle of the cold war. McCarthyism obviously still exists today. I would challenge the douchebags who say we need more God in our government to remember the reason the Pilgrims left England in the first place. Since their memory is selective, I'll just say it: they were fleeing a government that wouldn't accept their minority religious beliefs. America was founded as a nation of religious freedom, including, and most important to me personally, freedom FROM religion.

4. A 5th grade promotion ceremony? Seriously? When I graduated, do you know what the reward was? 6th grade.

In summary, I give the principal of that school an A+. I give the hateful doucheloafs of the world summer school. So as not to reveal my employer, I won't post a link to the story, but I urge you to Google it and learn more.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Mario Kart

We've been playing insane amounts of Mario Kart lately on the Wii. It's fucking sweet. We have two plastic wheels in which we snap our controllers, and the gas button is pushed by your thumb. It's a ton of fun. The only downside is that we play against each other, and you can only reveal new tracks by playing alone and winning races. It's a social game, and we've only revealed one new series (4 individual races) in the month we've owned it. Big props to Mike and Orion for giving the game to me for my birthday.

I give the game six heat-seeking mushrooms. I give the no-new-races-unless-you-race-alone thingy a big squid ink cloud.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Friday Thoughts

First, I got a haircut today on my lunch break. I went to Great Clips, because it's near my work. The wait was 45 minutes, so I said the hell with it and left. On the way back to my car, I realized I parked next to the Phagan's School of Beauty. A haircut that costs six bucks, by someone who's just learning how to do it? I'm listening....

The girl who cut my hair was clearly nervous. Instead of just diving in and doing the easy stuff (like shearing the back of my head with the razor), she did it slowly. I don't think she remembered what I asked for by the time she was done; she was just kind of trimming it. That's fine, I only paid six bucks. But the best part of the whole experience came about five minutes into my hair cut. Remember, this is a SCHOOL of beauty. A man or woman (couldn't tell which) came on over the intercom.

"Attention, Shaniqua and Ashley, you need to get off of your cell phones... now."


"Yes, we can see you. We have security cameras. Off the phone, now."


One More Thing...

We were watching the third episode of the second season of "The Wire" last night, and the dvd started having digital glitches and wouldn't play. I took it out and cleaned it off, but it was spotless. I think the disc itself was flawed. We stayed up an extra hour just to watch this one goddamned episode, and with just ten minutes left in the show, it stopped.

I give my beauty school field trip two cell phones, snapping shut.
I would like to serve our dvd experience a subpoena to testify in court why it sucks so badly.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Why I'm a Bad Person

I would like to begin this post with the acknowlegment that I know this is wrong. But I don't care.

This weekend Midge and I bought 3 movies for $20 at the local (corporate) movie place. We got "Michael Clayton," "The Darjeeling Limited," and "Cloverfield." We hadn't seen "Cloverfield," so we thought we'd give it a try. We watched it, and it is an interesting and well-made movie. But there's one problem: it made both of us nauseous. The movie is shot from the perspective of a home video camera, like "The Blair Witch Project." It's effective, but it jerks around so much we both got a little sick. Here's where the badness begins.

We don't want to own this movie. It makes us physically ill. So we return it to the store with the excuse that, coincidentally, Midge's parents gave us this very same movie on the same day! Could we please exchange it for another movie? The manager is nice, and lets us. Midge wants to get "Hot Fuzz," as do I. But the problem is that it only costs $9.99, whereas "Cloverfield" is $14.99, so they can't do the exchange. But it just so happens that they've lowered the price of "Zodiac," and together, they add up to the same as "Cloverfield." Actually there was a dollar difference, and we're not sure how that really worked out. But anyway, bottom line, we got two movies we really wanted, in exchange for one we don't.

And the worst part? I've probably done this 4 or 5 times before. It's like renting a movie for free.

I give this low-level fraud six pre-viewed DVDs out of 8.